


Let It All Go

by nobby574



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Heartache, Hurt, Loneliness, Loss, Pain, Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 08:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15859836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nobby574/pseuds/nobby574
Summary: Deacon and Sole have been friends for awhile. But they are carrying a lot of baggage that neither will share.





	Let It All Go

“Fall is here it seems,” the bald headed man staring out the broken window said. I nodded my head in agreement. I was sitting huddled up on my dusty bed, feeling the slight chill of the air on my skin. Goosebumps appeared on my exposed neck and I took my dirty hair out of its ponytail. I ran my fingers through the knots, trying to untangle the mess. The man before me rubbed his head as he stared at the leaves outside, slowly falling one by one, turning the streets of Sanctuary Hills a shade of orange.

“Deacon?” I asked quietly. His eyes quickly flickered in my direction behind his sunglasses. He let out a hefty sigh and continued looking outside. 

“Yeah?” He answered quietly as well. I had been working with Deacon for several months now, but I still hardly knew anything about him. The railroad tried to give me as much info on him as they could, but they barely knew anything about the spy themselves. He was such a mystery to everyone. And yet we’ve bonded over this time. I would even consider him my closest friend in this world. But he always kept his personal life...well personal. But he was on the verge of cracking and I could sense it. I scooted to the end of the bed to really look at him. 

His forehead was slightly wrinkled with sadness and his mouth was down in a small frown. His whole body just seemed...limp. There was a pain in him that he wasn’t sharing and it was tough to look at. I glanced at the floor and picked at some lint on the mattress. 

“What’s going on?” He chuckled at my concern. A fake smile plastered on my face and turned to look at me. My expression of worry didn’t change. 

“Nothin’ at all my friend.” His tone was forced and it was awkward. I flopped on my back and looked at the ceiling. It was disgusting and falling apart. Deacon leaned on the metal frame of the bed with his back toward me. A silent tension clung to the air and I was about to choke on it at any minute. He continued to look around the leaves and I could see that the sun was starting to go down. 

“Do you know why I always come back to Sanctuary Hills? Back to this house?” I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying as the words flowed from my mouth. I laid there still and staring the rotting ceiling. Deacon shrugged his shoulders. 

“It’s a decent neighborhood?” I laughed at his guess. He turned around to look at me, I continued to stare at the roof. 

“This was my home,’ the words trickled out from me as I shut my brain off. ‘Before the war. This was where I thought I would spend the rest of my life. I suppose I am, but this wasn’t how I pictured it.” I torn my gaze from the ceiling for a brief moment to notice the shock on his face. His eyebrows raised in question, he was leaning more over the frame now, intrigued by what I was saying. 

”I knew you were prewar but I had no idea that..this was your home.” He patted my foot and took a seat next to my lying body. I looked over at the window and watched as the sun continued to set. The shadows slowly changing along the walls and the uncomfortable silence returned once again. Deacon sat as still as a statue next to me, his hand still touching my foot. My heart started to race at the thought of what my life could’ve been had the bombs not destroyed everything. Tears welled up in my eyes and I shut my brain off again. 

”I had a husband and a child too,’ I didn’t want my old life to spill out of me. I buried Nate almost a year ago, before I had met Deacon and the railroad. My child was now dead to me after I discovered he was the head of the institute. The old me was gone and replaced by this shell of a woman. But the words trickled out of me like faucet. ‘My husband, Nate, is buried underneath the big tree down the street. He was shot right before my eyes by the people who were supposed to help us.” The tears finally began to stream down my face and my vision blurred as I watched the last of the light disappear. Darkness swallowed up the room and I couldn’t be more grateful. 

”I bet he loved you more than anything.”Deacon’s voice startled me and I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. 

”He did. And I loved him so much. But I’m glad he doesn’t have to suffer in this world.” I choked on my words. It was true though, I was beyond happy that he was at peace. That he didn’t have to endure any more violence, like he had to in the war, only there was no escaping it. I was overjoyed that he never had to see his own child, who he loved more than the world itself, become a heartless monster who hurt and killed so many. Nate was in a much better place and at times I envied him. ‘Nate was too good of a man for this. So I’m glad he doesn’t have to see it.” My heart ached with a pain that I hadn’t felt in a while and I wanted to just sob. But I couldn’t let Deacon see me like that. I refused to show him my pain if he wasn’t going to show me his. I held everything in as much as I could. 

“You don’t deserve such a shitty place either.” I was taken aback by his kind words and it almost crumbled me even more so. He removed his hand from my foot and hunched over the bed. I turned onto my side and faced the opposite wall, trying to gain control of my emotions. 

”I created the monster who is running the institute. I deserve nothing.” I felt so guilty about Shaun. I never got the chance to even raise him and now look at what he’s doing. I could’ve fought to keep him with me in the vault, to get those strangers away from him. I didn’t fight hard enough. It was stupid and careless of me to just go with those people. To believe that some hole in the ground would protect us from the big, bad bombs. 

”It’s not your fault.” Deacon said while shifting back up on the bed. I wanted to punch him. He didn’t understand the pain I was going through. 

We stayed silent for a long time. Deacon would occasionally change positions and I just lied there staring at the black wall. The darkness may have hid our faces but the emotion was lingering in the air. Hurt, guilt, mourning. I didn’t had the faintest idea of what could be eating at him. But we were both sinking in a pile of misery. I almost wanted him to leave and just never come back. To pretend that we never had this conversation and just let me start over. Maybe I could burn this house to the ground and just go to Goodneighbor or join the Brotherhood and never look back at this old life. Maybe that’s how I need to let go. 

Deacon finally got up and left the room. I could hear the front door open and close. A wave of relief washed over me and I let everything I bottled up pour out. I smashed my face in the pillow behind me and just sobbed. I cried over the loss of my love, my child, my life. I mourned at the life I wanted to have but now never will. I don’t know how Deacon managed to open the flood gates but the waters were pouring out more than they ever have. I laid like that for hours just releasing all this agish that I’ve clearly needed to get out since….since I woke up. It was hard and exhausting but I was glad it was happening. To just revel in the pain that broke me as a person and let it out. At some point once I felt satisfied, I passed out. 

***** 

The sound of a thunderstorm woke me up. My face was soaking wet from my tear soaked pillow and I was still in the same filthy clothes as the day before. But I felt almost a little refreshed after my melt down last night. I looked out the window and saw rain coming down fairly hard. I got up and left the bedroom to find Deacon sitting on the couch. His sunglasses were sitting on the coffee table in front of him. I took the opportunity to sit next to him and really look at his face that was hiding for once. His eyes were red with exhaustion and tears. It was even more concerning than how he looked yesterday. 

”Deacon are you okay? I thought you left last night.” I wanted to hug him. I felt bad for being angry with him yesterday. 

”I did, to visit your husband. I chatted with him for a few hours.” His voice seemed so nonchalant but I could tell he was still hiding his true feeling. I swallowed a hard lump in my throat. 

”What did you talk about? Did you stay up all night out there?” I asked cautiously. He placed his hand on my knee and a small smile appeared on his face. 

”I came back after I was sure you crashed.” He didn’t answer my other question. 

”Deacon.” I persisted. His smile was still there but his eyebrows turned upwards to really show his sadness. 

”We talked about...Barbara.” He ran his other hand over his face, trying to grasp control. I grabbed his hand on my knee. He let out a shaky sigh. 

”You can talk to me Deacon.”I wanted to show him that I cared for him. He was my friend, he could feel safe with me. He began shaking his leg on the ground. The anxiety of what he was about to say was making me nervous. 

”Barbara was the love of my life. Her favorite season is the fall, that’s why i’ve been so out of it lately.’ He took a long pause. ‘And she was also murdered by cruel people.” My heart broke at hearing it. He could relate to my pain afterall. I got off the couch and pulled him into a tight hug. I could hear him sniffling in my shoulder as he held me tightly. I had never shared pain with someone like this. Tears slowly dripped down my cheek and I could feel his body quivering. We stayed like this for a long time. Just calmly crying into each other’s arms over the people we’ve lost. It was a bonding moment that I think brought us so much closer and more understanding of one another. He didn’t need to tell me why she was killed or did it. But just knowing that he lost the one who may his world go round was enough for me to understand him. Why he keeps a front up and why he lies. It was probably the most personal thing to him. And he got to understand me and how my world was taken. He got to see how my life could’ve been in this neighborhood. And that was all he needed to know. 

We finally stopped crying and our breathing evened out. He pulled away and looked at me with his bright blue eyes. A mutual oath was formed at that moment. 

”But I’m glad I have you.” He said. And for once I didn’t feel so alone. Together we could take on this sick world.


End file.
